On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
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He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
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You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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