i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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