I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
