I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
