I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
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I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
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Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit