And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure