life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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