I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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