How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Randomize
