he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
