those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Randomize
