i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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