Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
