My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
i believe in u and ur pee
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