I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
