Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
