Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
