i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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