Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
