You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
