They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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