1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
