it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
