apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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