bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
me + whiskey = a bad person
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
