Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
