Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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