No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
