i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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