Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
