Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
