kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
