Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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