if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
