i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
