There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
no you cant smoke seaweed
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
