he wants to bone in the snuggie
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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