why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
