I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
