If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
