Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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