farters have to be the big spoon...
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize