You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
