So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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