you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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