Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
