I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
