I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
