I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
