i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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