So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
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