just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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