my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
