Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
