listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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