this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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