I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
