Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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