I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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