69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
